As told in an excerpt of an essay by Rolf the Red, as sent to the College of Eloquence.

Prompt: Regale with a tale of extravagance. Be as superfluous as possible.

[Beginning of Excerpt] … And so, the battle was won, the lobster-people slain and the monk-brothers saved! My energetic crew of friends explored the cavernous cavern, finding gifts and offerings to a sea god including a magic ring and a fancy dagger, but my superior snout discovered a serr sirupti seruptititi secret surprise in the sand: a wet bag! Inside that bag was my new best friend, a short sword that speaks directly to my brain. Timothy warned us all against cursed items with a very specific story that I didn’t really follow. Upon holding it aloft, I felt the thrill of a destiny awaiting us, but it was also, like, really chill about it. The voice called itself the Soul of the Sword of the Sextant, but friends need nicknames, so I vowed to find a suitable one (unless it doesn’t consent to that! Consent is important in all relationships). There was also a potion and a hat in the bag, so Kuda cast a ritual and learned that both help the user breathe underwater! We then all spoke to our new monk-brother friends about the monsters’ trying to kidnap Darmus and the likely location of the missing Barkus. We learned about his dead husband and mother, and how he is VERY VERY sure that his supposed-to-be-dead sister is still alive. Even though she went missing in the forest, everyone seemed pretty sure he went to search in the Singing Cliffs, so we agreed to head that way in the morning. We canvassed the rest of the (now very, very un-alive) monastery. I think Ghaisek was flirting with me by holding my arm and not moving during some of that, and Timothy gave me dating advice (which I definitely do NOT need but wrote it down later anyway just in case). We found a library, and some of my crewfriends were very mean about how I don’t like to read, but then I reminded them I was in college, so we took turns reading from Selune’s Saloon Tunes & Hymnny Hermnal before going to bed.

In the morning, us crewfriends all felt a lot stronger. We and the monk-brothers ate delicious seafood and eggs together, then we took the boat from the cavernous cavern to sail down the coast to the Singing Cliffs. We found an opening (WINK), and Ghaisek tried to speak to the guard fishmen’s minds, but they decided to not be friendly, so we were not-friendly right back! We found out that inside the cave were large pools of water, and swimming in the dark isn’t Sprey’s or Timothy’s greatest strength, so luckily the other darkseers went on ahead while I lit their way across the pool… to another pool. Full of fish monsters. And also captured mermaids. Our teamwork as crewfriends really shone through: Ghaisek’s and my magics weaving together, Gaemon’s and Sprey’s physical prowess keeping enemies at bay, Timothy slipping off to help the mermaids, Kuda’s star-guidance, and Preston’s finishing magical blows. … [End of excerpt]

• This is page 15 of… many, many more.
• …This fellow does know that a Bardic College isn’t an ACTUAL house of education, yes?
• Does it matter? Look how much he wrote! Eloquence suits him perfectly.

As told by Sprey D’Eagle.

Aunties Nabis and Umber, and Uncle Adler,

I know I had to promise that I wouldn’t write, but it’s been so long since I left that I just… If Uncle Adler is awake, can you tell him a story?

The crew I’m with finally found the man we’ve been hired to find, at least we’re pretty sure he’s the right man. Barkus, I think? There have been so many people and names that I can barely keep track. You all were right, I’ve gotten to meet so many people out here away from the circus! I miss home though. I miss my family.

What was I talking about? Right! Barkus. Down in the Singing Cliffs we found a cave with more of these fish folk who’d attacked the monastery and stole Barkus. After Timothy freed some merfolk we learned when Barkus’ sister was brought in and imprisoned she started crying…a lot. So much that it almost drove the merfolk crazy. And when we found her I can understand why!

We found her and Barkus in cages and had to fight more fish folk, but the whole time my head was pounding from her cries! Everyone else kept their cool though, Kuda even turned into a massive shark at some point. I wish I could become a shark, swimming is really hard with feathers.

While releasing Barkus and his sister, Charma, we learned that the fish folk did something to her that made her cry so much, and cause everyone else so much pain. We were all more than ready to get out of there as quick as possible, but Barkus couldn’t leave without his sword, Heart’s Wake. I know Uncle Adler would have recommended we take a chance to rest before hunting down the sword, but we charged ahead.

We found one more room with a BIG fish lady and two other fish folk, which we began to valiantly fight. The fight was going really well until the fish lady summoned a massive lightning bolt that zapped through me, Rolf, and Gaemon. It hurt! A lot! Now I know why you told me to never fly in a storm, Auntie Nabis. With quick thinking though, Kuda healed us and woke us up just in time for Rolf to hurt her brain with his super eloquent words.

With the enemy defeated and the sword found, it sounds like we finally get to make our long journey back to Raven’s Bluff. I…hope that I get to see you, but I won’t intrude on the circus. If Uncle Adler is awake, please let him know that his training has helped me fight and survive.

See you down the road,

Your Sprey