As told in an excerpt of an essay by Rolf the Red, as sent to the College of Eloquence.

Prompt: Regale with a tale of extravagance. Be as superfluous as possible.

[Beginning of Excerpt] … And so, the battle was won, the lobster-people slain and the monk-brothers saved! My energetic crew of friends explored the cavernous cavern, finding gifts and offerings to a sea god including a magic ring and a fancy dagger, but my superior snout discovered a serr sirupti seruptititi secret surprise in the sand: a wet bag! Inside that bag was my new best friend, a short sword that speaks directly to my brain. Timothy warned us all against cursed items with a very specific story that I didn’t really follow. Upon holding it aloft, I felt the thrill of a destiny awaiting us, but it was also, like, really chill about it. The voice called itself the Soul of the Sword of the Sextant, but friends need nicknames, so I vowed to find a suitable one (unless it doesn’t consent to that! Consent is important in all relationships). There was also a potion and a hat in the bag, so Kuda cast a ritual and learned that both help the user breathe underwater! We then all spoke to our new monk-brother friends about the monsters’ trying to kidnap Darmus and the likely location of the missing Barkus. We learned about his dead husband and mother, and how he is VERY VERY sure that his supposed-to-be-dead sister is still alive. Even though she went missing in the forest, everyone seemed pretty sure he went to search in the Singing Cliffs, so we agreed to head that way in the morning. We canvassed the rest of the (now very, very un-alive) monastery. I think Ghaisek was flirting with me by holding my arm and not moving during some of that, and Timothy gave me dating advice (which I definitely do NOT need but wrote it down later anyway just in case). We found a library, and some of my crewfriends were very mean about how I don’t like to read, but then I reminded them I was in college, so we took turns reading from Selune’s Saloon Tunes & Hymnny Hermnal before going to bed.

In the morning, us crewfriends all felt a lot stronger. We and the monk-brothers ate delicious seafood and eggs together, then we took the boat from the cavernous cavern to sail down the coast to the Singing Cliffs. We found an opening (WINK), and Ghaisek tried to speak to the guard fishmen’s minds, but they decided to not be friendly, so we were not-friendly right back! We found out that inside the cave were large pools of water, and swimming in the dark isn’t Sprey’s or Timothy’s greatest strength, so luckily the other darkseers went on ahead while I lit their way across the pool… to another pool. Full of fish monsters. And also captured mermaids. Our teamwork as crewfriends really shone through: Ghaisek’s and my magics weaving together, Gaemon’s and Sprey’s physical prowess keeping enemies at bay, Timothy slipping off to help the mermaids, Kuda’s star-guidance, and Preston’s finishing magical blows. … [End of excerpt]

• This is page 15 of… many, many more.
• …This fellow does know that a Bardic College isn’t an ACTUAL house of education, yes?
• Does it matter? Look how much he wrote! Eloquence suits him perfectly.